Don't trust crazy cat ladies

The fucking cat won’t stop staring at me. It’s stupid tail keeps swaying back and forth as it gives me the death glare. I stare back at briefly before trying to ignore it. But it won’t look away, it just sits there with its judging gaze.
“What?!” I ask it, annoyed. The cat of course just sits there doing what it was before, it’s eye’s practically boring into my soul.
I look at my watch and sigh. My date is still upstairs getting ready, I don’t know much about her, but I do know this: She’s taking too long! Plus the fact that she’s left me down here with this stupid fucking cat irritates me to no end.
              “Listen buddy,” I start looking the cat in the eye. “Why don’t you just go away okay? Cause if you don’t go away I’m gonna make you go away.” I tell the cat. The cat yawns at me, unfazed by my threat. Did I really just threaten a cat? I didn’t think I could stoop to this level, but the past week has been nothing but hell.
“I’ll almost done I promise! I’m so sorry!” My date yells down from the stairs.
“No worries take your time!” I say sarcastically. But she must not have heard the tone in my voice because she gives me a cheery okay back.
“Fuuuuuucccck.” I whisper under my breath. Sitting back on her ridiculously uncomfortable couch, I notice something strange on the coffee table. It’s a small book stuck on the very bottom of a medium sized stack of books. I pull it out and investigate it a little closer. That’s when I realize it’s not a photo album at all, it’s a photo album. Inside the photo album are pictures upon pictures of fucking cats. All over every page are pictures of cats. Then on the three last pages there are pictures of cats and her and me. We’ve barely chatted on the dating website, but here she has my picture printed out on a booklet with fucking cats.
                My crazy-girl-is-gonna-kill-you instincts kick into high gear as I leap off the couch dropping the booklet on the table. The cat looks up at me and I can swear I see it smirking  at me.
“All ready to go!” My date says walking down the stairs. My jaw drops open when I see what she’s wearing. A tight red dress that accentuates each and every curve, and her hair is down in long waves. I gape at her for a moment, forgetting all about the book.
“you-you look amazing.” I say. She gives me a small devilish smile.
“Aw thank you, sorry it took so long, but you can’t rush perfection!” She tells me. That’s when I remember about the book and my eyes go wide with fear.
“Hey uh listen, do you mind if I go to my car real quick? I have something for you. I was gonna surprise you with it when we got to the restaurant but I think you deserve it now.” I tell her. Her face lights up with crazy enthusiasm and I thank God she believes me.
“Okay!!” She says smiling wide.
“Okay then, I’ll be right back.” I say giving her a thumbs up.
Once I open the door I try to restrain myself from full on running to the car. I walk briskly, turning my head back once to make sure the crazy bitch isn’t following me. A wave of relief washes over me when I get inside my car. I quickly turn it on and speed out of there as fast as I can, not caring whether or not I get pulled over.
                I drive home smiling at the fact that I got away from the crazy cat lady. When I pull into my driveway I’m almost giddy that I actually made it out alive.
I walk from the car up to my porch, reaching my  hand in my pocket to retrieve my keys.
My hand freezes and my breath catches in my throat. My phone is not in my pocket, but the image of it sitting on crazy cat ladies couch fills my mind. The realization overcomes me and I almost want to scream. “FUCK!” I yell into night. I run up to my porch and let myself in as all the possibilities of what she can do with my phone rumble around my brain. Finally I sit on my couch resting for a moment, stuck in thought.
“Well…looks like I’m gonna have to move to Alaska!”