Antedate

            Before I was born, I had looked into the black sea of space. I saw nothing, knew nothing, felt nothing. I was floating and conscious of the depths of that darkness. I knew what was in the dark, and I felt safe, comforted. I was blessed with that darkness that every soul knows before they are born and after they die.

            After I was born, I knew light, and pain, and grief, and bliss. I saw what I learned were colors. I felt what I learned was grass and cotton. I was a heavy burden on myself, others, and the planet I lived on. I had weight, I had mass, I was one of many. I learned things that others did not know, I experienced things that only few could experience, and I swam in dismay at the fact that I was torn from home.

            My first home, the home that I had before I was born was where I wished to be. I wanted to go back, every day when I learned that something new that another person did not know, I wanted to go back to that place that everyone shared. I wanted to be one with everyone and not have to feel the things that I felt after I was born. I wanted that comfort that I received when the fire ball fell from the skies and the silver disk entered the pitch. I wanted the comfort that the cold weeks gave, the comfort of the warmth that the cold weeks forced me into that the hot weeks suffered me to forgo.

            I wanted to go home. I wanted to go back to the black sea. And then I was there. I had been watching birds at the park waddling across the crosswalk with the people, and I heard the explosion before I saw it. I was jolted up from my seat, I looked behind me, and I saw a tower of glass and metal falling towards me. I knew I would not be able to run in any direction to escape, so I stood and watched. I waited. I embraced my fate.

            And then I was home. The black sea enveloped me and I could breathe without needing naturally, like I couldn’t hold my breath if I tried. I heard nothing, saw nothing, and I remembered everything. And then I was sad, I wanted to go back to the world with the lights and the people and the colors. I missed the people I had known and wished that they were with me, but then I remembered that I had wanted this. I had wanted to go to the time before I was born. I wanted to be here, and I was no longer content with that decision.

            I wished I had gone back and ran, I wished I had tried to flee from that tower. I wished I had given more to the life that I had lived in that world filled with things.