XOXO

I just want to apologize for uploading this later than I intended. I've had some internet issues lately. But I hope you all enjoy the story! ~Feather

The day I found your letter was the day I finally snapped. I broke down in tears, throwing plates from the kitchen sink at the wall, and screaming at the top of my lungs. I had tried so hard to be strong for you, to keep it in. I pushed it so far down deep inside me I had hoped it would never come out. But then I saw your scratchy xoxo at the bottom of a letter I thought I’d hidden. The feelings were almost too much to bear, I couldn’t breathe and I thought the world was spinning around me. I lay there in the corner of our bedroom, next to the lamp you had never fixed and I cried. I cried so hard I almost flood the damn house. It was a buildup of all those tears I hadn’t shed yet: the tears I hadn’t shed when they told me you were gone, the tears I refused to let fall at your funeral, and they were all coming out. The realization that I would no longer receive another letter from you with your xoxo at the bottom felt like someone ripping out my heart and letting it sink to the bottom of the ocean. I couldn’t stop the millions of thoughts that flowed through my mind in that little moment. The biggest thought of course, was to take my own life so that I wouldn’t have to live another day without you. It was a strong feeling that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard I tried. I came so close, so very close, but something held me back and I thank god every day that I didn’t do it.
                So now I am here a year later and I’m writing this letter to you. I want you to know that I miss you every fucking day. Life is lonely without you, but I’m trying to make the best of it. The day I almost took my life I had realized something. I had to be strong for you; I had to live this life for not only me, but for you. So when it’s Sunday I eat your favorite ice cream, and when I’m flipping through the channels on tv I always stop on the educational channel for just a second. I wear your favorite color green at least once a month, and when I look up at the moon I think of your handsome face smiling down at me. I want you to know that I’ll never find anyone who was as perfect for me as you, but I will try to find someone who makes me happy, and I will try to live out the rest of my life the best way I can. I know you would have wanted this for me.
                This is the last letter I will ever write to you, and it’s hard to accept this. Even if it has been a year, it still doesn’t feel real. But I want you to know that I will love you for the rest of my life. You are my everything darling and I will never forget that. So now we are here at the end and I wish I could just keep writing this letter till I run out of ink. But there’s a whole world out there and I have to go live it for the both of us. So goodbye Jonathan, I miss you and I will always remember the amazing days we shared.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Yours forever and always,
Emily